"Why I Want To Fuck George W Bush"
by Sean Gullette
Thanks and apologies to J.G. Ballard.
[Transcript of responses by Suspect John Doe 114 to an Incident Questionaire conducted at McClean, Virginia. Charges pending in POTUS incident at Inaugural Gala.]
1. Yes, 32 years old, Caucasian. US citizen.
2. Bangor, Maine in 1946.
3. 6 feet tall, 188 pounds, brown eyes, blonde ahem sandy hair. My interests include ha ha...oh, sorry.
4. Oh, yes, Agent Hicks, it was well worth it.
5. I was waved in through the media entrance.
6. A photocopied press pass. Color copied.
7. Well it was pretty obvious; there were a number of secret cervix [sic] agents posted around the door.
8. While in the Orient, I learned the power to c-c-c-cloud [stutter] men's minds so that they cannot see me. [laughs]
9. Would you repeat the question, please?
10. No. Well, yes I guess... I'm pretty funny.
11. The depends exactly what kind of a conservative I am.
12. I was dressed like a WASP republican: Chinos, a blue blazer, open necked shirt with collar buttons. I walked in like I owned the place. It always works.
13. At Yale. We were in the...in a couple of clubs together.
14. You know I can't discuss that.
15. Branding was among the other ahem things that we enjoyed.
16. It was a very male very convivial environment and we both frankly enjoyed that.
17. I am a hetereosexual [sic] sir and so is he. I strongly resent your implication.
18. When I came in he was in the bar area with Sam Ashcromb. He had his hand over the phone and I think he said "when I want that cocksucker's opinion I'll give it to him." He had just finished his speech on the stadium floor. He was perspiring and laughing. Then he said into the phone, ""You fucking son of a bitch. I saw what you wrote. We're not going to forget this." Then he saw me.
19. I nodded to him and he came into the area outside the bathroom right away, smiling. I placed my hands on his arms. I didn't know what I was going to do. He recognized me but he didn't seem surprised to see me. He smelled like hair spray and for some reason I thought I smelled uh nevermind.
20. Resist? No, no. He surprised me completely. Immediately he he was very responsive, very ahem erotic. His breath stank. I couldn't tell if he was high or not. I was a little taken aback.
21. He asked me, 'did someone pay you to come here?' Aggressive.
22. I continued. You know, he has this magnetism. People just like him. I mean, obviously at least half the people do. He's like Richie Rich, that shiny boyishness, but with the power of life and death. The wealth and the power, that dynastic thing, then the ability to take a human life and laugh about it I found mesmerizing, like a roman emperor. Very hot.
23. Certainly I enjoyed it. He was like ...like an eroticized ventriloquist's dummy. Feeling the hands of great forces behind him...inside him.
24. That's between him and me.
25. In the ass, the mouth. Everything. The hand.
26. I've been to prison several times.
27. Drugs, of course. That's what everyone goes to prison for, [Agent's Name Deleted]. Almost everyone.
28. The City Hall Special. Automatic 80. Six years six months in Attica. I was in the new H-block.
29. I was holding two-and-a-half grams of flake, wrapped in a square of glossy paper from a pornographic magazine, folded up as an origami crane. It was a girlie magazine if you're wondering.
30. Fair? Well, they called it intent to distribute.
31. Three grams was barely enough to keep me and my inner demons busy for a weekend.
32. Oh I think Poppy knew the Judge fairly well, yes.
33. Oh yes, many 'such experiences.' Prison is very edifying that way.
34. Oh, sorry, you mean where where. In the shower area, sometimes in the yard. The work rooms.
35. About a month earlier. I went and lived with my parents. That didn't work out. When I heard he was coming to town, I started thinking.
36. We had a great deal in common...his ahem experiences and mine. I know his secrets and he knows I know them.
37. How he'll be as President? Come on. Oh, he'll be a nighmare, of course, but he's just a puppet for Them. The grey ones. Los Viejos.
38. Ha ha ha. They're back.
39. Let the Hooters customers go there in their own ahem segregated communities [unintelligible]
40. They were holding me, he yelled "hold up!" and he came over and um he punched me in the stomach.
41. [Subject does not respond. Begins to hum to himself.]
42. Oh, quite a few others. I once had an encounter with Henry Kissinger that was quite memorable. No one knows that. And everyone know about President Reagan and me.
43. That's not true. The DA offered me Indecent Exposure and probation and I accepted out of respect for Ronnie rather than have it in the papers.
44. I'd like to see my lawyer now.